Peaks and Valleys
Life has peaks and valleys. Everyone knows it and we all go through it. I feel like the past couple of weeks I have been in a valley. I feel all out of sorts and a little lost. All I have ever wanted my entire life is to stay home with my babies. I went to college and graduated with a degree in psychology.... Anyway, when it became clear a couple of months ago that I would not be able to stay home with Averie I didn't really deal with the fact that this would be a huge, life changing decision that would affect me so deeply. I just kind of pushed the thought of it out of my head and tried to focus on the time I still had to be with her all day. But when I went back to work it began to feel almost like I've been grieving. And in a way, I guess I have been. It's kinda like the death of a dream.
When I was growing up I (almost) always did everything right. I met a boy, dated a boy, graduated high school, went to college, graduated in four years, got married, got a job, and had a baby. But I haven't ever felt really truly fulfilled until Averie was born. It always seemed like whatever I was doing in life was just temporary to get to another stage. High school led to college with led to a job which led to waiting to have kids. I always thought that when I had a baby I would have reached the place I had been waiting to get to all this time. But I didn't really ever imagine I would be where I am.
I feel so trapped and stuck where I currently am. I feel like I'm wasting time every day going to a job I hate. I like the human interaction but I feel like a zombie day in and day out. I know I have so much more potential and can do much bigger and greater things than the mundane tasks that I wade through everyday. I also know that no matter how great a job I do or how much responsibility I take on I will still be exactly where I'm at. I just feel like I am wasting all this time spinning my wheels when I all want to do is be with my baby everyday.
I feel like God is trying to teach me something from this experience. I was talking to Him on the way home from getting Averie yesterday and asking him what I the message was I needed to get. I woke up this morning feeling like He is laying it on my heart not to take any second with Averie for granted and to slow down and actually enjoy this time in my life. I don't want to wish my life away or hurry the days up because they are going fast enough already but I'm tired of feeling like I'm always waiting for something. Hopefully this situation will be temporary and I will once again get to be the one taking care of my beautiful daughter every day. I have never known a more fulfilling feeling that being Averie's mom. I know that is what I was born for and how the Lord will use my gifts and talents.
I feel like as the season's change this time in my life is also changing. Sometimes I still feel like a little girl playing house with a real life baby doll. It doesn't seem possible that I am a grown up with a husband, house, baby, and dog. I wish I could change my perspective and hopes and dreams and just be satisfied with what I am. I envy people who can stay in the same town, job, or house for their whole lives and never want any more. It would be so much easier just to settle for what comes easiest and never think about the future. Unfortunately but fortunately at the same time I was raised believing I can do or be anything I want. I guess I will just have to roll with and get through this time and learn what needs to be learned.
On a much happier, brighter note - Averie will be 6 months old on Saturday!! Now that's a reason to celebrate!!
When I was growing up I (almost) always did everything right. I met a boy, dated a boy, graduated high school, went to college, graduated in four years, got married, got a job, and had a baby. But I haven't ever felt really truly fulfilled until Averie was born. It always seemed like whatever I was doing in life was just temporary to get to another stage. High school led to college with led to a job which led to waiting to have kids. I always thought that when I had a baby I would have reached the place I had been waiting to get to all this time. But I didn't really ever imagine I would be where I am.
I feel so trapped and stuck where I currently am. I feel like I'm wasting time every day going to a job I hate. I like the human interaction but I feel like a zombie day in and day out. I know I have so much more potential and can do much bigger and greater things than the mundane tasks that I wade through everyday. I also know that no matter how great a job I do or how much responsibility I take on I will still be exactly where I'm at. I just feel like I am wasting all this time spinning my wheels when I all want to do is be with my baby everyday.
I feel like God is trying to teach me something from this experience. I was talking to Him on the way home from getting Averie yesterday and asking him what I the message was I needed to get. I woke up this morning feeling like He is laying it on my heart not to take any second with Averie for granted and to slow down and actually enjoy this time in my life. I don't want to wish my life away or hurry the days up because they are going fast enough already but I'm tired of feeling like I'm always waiting for something. Hopefully this situation will be temporary and I will once again get to be the one taking care of my beautiful daughter every day. I have never known a more fulfilling feeling that being Averie's mom. I know that is what I was born for and how the Lord will use my gifts and talents.
I feel like as the season's change this time in my life is also changing. Sometimes I still feel like a little girl playing house with a real life baby doll. It doesn't seem possible that I am a grown up with a husband, house, baby, and dog. I wish I could change my perspective and hopes and dreams and just be satisfied with what I am. I envy people who can stay in the same town, job, or house for their whole lives and never want any more. It would be so much easier just to settle for what comes easiest and never think about the future. Unfortunately but fortunately at the same time I was raised believing I can do or be anything I want. I guess I will just have to roll with and get through this time and learn what needs to be learned.
On a much happier, brighter note - Averie will be 6 months old on Saturday!! Now that's a reason to celebrate!!
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